I enjoy working with kids...I just enjoy kids. They are real and don't fully know about the "game" of life yet so they are generally brutally honest. How many 7 year olds do you know that lie, except to get out of trouble? You can read all kinds of articles about how to "build up" your child or give them self esteem. The whole self esteem movement started when I was in middle school and I think it created a generation of kids that felt like they were something really special when they weren't. In the name of self esteem, we started giving out awards to everyone for everything...participation awards...NO! Awards no longer became something we earned but something we deserved. Every child getting an award not only takes away from the child who earned something, it lowers the value of any award at all. We, as parents, have to put a stop to the idea that children deserve praise for doing nothing. So along those lines here are some hard things every child should hear from their parent...
You are not that important- You are important to this family. In fact, we wouldn't be complete without you, but to the rest of the world you are just another person. Find something worthwhile that you love and work hard at being good at it. You will probably never be famous and that's ok.
That's annoying- Your behavior is annoying. I do not care if that is the cool thing to do, that behavior is annoying and you need to stop. If you want to do that around your friends that is fine, but you may not say/ do that around adults.
Act your age- You are 10, not 4 and not 18. You are old enough to dress yourself but not old enough to decide when and where you are going. Act appropriately for your age.
It's not enough to breathe- When babies are born, it is "enough" for them to just breathe, but as you get older you have to find ways to be enjoyable for people to want to be around you. Sometimes that means doing chores and sometimes that means sitting quietly, but do not expect people to love being in your presence simply because you are alive. Learn conversation skills, they will introduce you to so many new people.
I hate what you are doing- This is the hardest thing to say to anyone you love!! I love you, but I hate what you are doing. I love the person you are, but not the person you are deciding to become. I love you, but I have to let you endure the consequences of your choices.
You did not do a good job- Every person will hear this at some point in their life, let it be from you first and follow it up with "work harder next time so you will do a good job." Teach your child how to know they are doing well, so that they can reward themselves and do not depend on others to feel worth. How do you know you are doing a good job? Every time you make a basket, get the flash card correct, tell a joke that makes someone laugh, etc. you did a good job. Don't say "good job" even when your child does poorly or soon your praise will mean nothing.
I know that people will read these things and some will think they are too harsh, but I want my son to be prepared for life and part of life is hearing hard things. If I don't tell him the truth and simply let him believe that he is the center of the world and the greatest gift to humanity, reality will be a hard wake up call. To be perfectly honest, not preparing him for the world is not really loving him. Because I love him, I want him to be aware of real life. I want him to know rejection and that he can survive it and come out the other side just fine. I want him to know that he may not be the greatest at something, but he still has worth. I want him to know that if he works hard to complete a task and does it correctly, there is value in that- even if no one tells him "good job." I want him to know always, that there are choices he will make that I will hate but I love him and beyond that he will make choices that God hates, but God will always, always love him.
My students would tell you that if I said they did a good job, they always knew they had REALLY done well because I don't say nice things for no reason...I want my words to count and to have value and for that reason I will not lie to my son and let him believe things the world thinks he should hear in order to have good self esteem. I would rather he be prepared for life than to falsely feel good about himself....life is a lot longer than your childhood and children who fail to thrive because the real world doesn't love them like their mommy did are a sad, angry, unsatisfied group of people that I never want my son to be a part of. So I will continue to say the hard things he needs to hear and follow it up with "I love you anyways."
