Hard things every parent should say to their child

I enjoy working with kids...I just enjoy kids.  They are real and don't fully know about the "game" of life yet so they are generally brutally honest.  How many 7 year olds do you know that lie, except to get out of trouble?  You can read all kinds of articles about how to "build up" your child or give them self esteem.  The whole self esteem movement started when I was in middle school and I think it created a generation of kids that felt like they were something really special when they weren't.  In the name of self esteem, we started giving out awards to everyone for everything...participation awards...NO!  Awards no longer became something we earned but something we deserved.  Every child getting an award not only takes away from the child who earned something, it lowers the value of any award at all.  We, as parents, have to put a stop to the idea that children deserve praise for doing nothing. So along those lines here are some hard things every child should hear from their parent...

You are not that important-  You are important to this family.  In fact, we wouldn't be complete without you, but to the rest of the world you are just another person.  Find something worthwhile that you love and work hard at being good at it.  You will probably never be famous and that's ok.

That's annoying- Your behavior is annoying.  I do not care if that is the cool thing to do, that behavior is annoying and you need to stop.  If you want to do that around your friends that is fine, but you may not say/ do that around adults.

Act your age- You are 10, not 4 and not 18.  You are old enough to dress yourself but not old enough to decide when and where you are going.  Act appropriately for your age.

It's not enough to breathe- When babies are born, it is "enough" for them to just breathe, but as you get older you have to find ways to be enjoyable for people to want to be around you.  Sometimes that means doing chores and sometimes that means sitting quietly, but do not expect people to love being in your presence simply because you are alive.  Learn conversation skills, they will introduce you to so many new people.

I hate what you are doing- This is the hardest thing to say to anyone you love!!  I love you, but I hate what you are doing.  I love the person you are, but not the person you are deciding to become.  I love you, but I have to let you endure the consequences of your choices.

You did not do a good job- Every person will hear this at some point in their life, let it be from you first and follow it up with "work harder next time so you will do a good job."  Teach your child how to know they are doing well, so that they can reward themselves and do not depend on others to feel worth.  How do you know you are doing a good job?  Every time you make a basket, get the flash card correct, tell a joke that makes someone laugh, etc. you did a good job.  Don't say "good job" even when your child does poorly or soon your praise will mean nothing.

I know that people will read these things and some will think they are too harsh, but I want my son to be prepared for life and part of life is hearing hard things.  If I don't tell him the truth and simply let him believe that he is the center of the world and the greatest gift to humanity, reality will be a hard wake up call.  To be perfectly honest, not preparing him for the world is not really loving him.  Because I love him, I want him to be aware of real life.  I want him to know rejection and that he can survive it and come out the other side just fine.  I want him to know that he may not be the greatest at something, but he still has worth.  I want him to know that if he works hard to complete a task and does it correctly, there is value in that- even if no one tells him "good job."  I want him to know always, that there are choices he will make that I will hate but I love him and beyond that he will make choices that God hates, but God will always, always love him.

My students would tell you that if I said they did a good job, they always knew they had REALLY done well because I don't say nice things for no reason...I want my words to count and to have value and for that reason I will not lie to my son and let him believe things the world thinks he should hear in order to have good self esteem.  I would rather he be prepared for life than to falsely feel good about himself....life is a lot longer than your childhood and children who fail to thrive because the real world doesn't love them like their mommy did are a sad, angry, unsatisfied group of people that I never want my son to be a part of.  So I will continue to say the hard things he needs to hear and follow it up with "I love you anyways."

Things You Learn in the Bleachers

If you have ever heard the term "gym brat" you have probably been involved in athletics in some form or fashion.  A gym brat is the child of a coach who spends most of their free time roaming the gym and surrounding areas, typically without direct supervision.  I am a gym brat.  Since before I was born my mom coached high school volleyball, basketball and track.  While she coached I sat in the bleachers and here are some lessons I learned about life....

Hypocrisy is real...

If the other team runs the score up they are cheating jerks who should be kicked out of the league and probably the state. Your team runs the score up and it is letting the kids play.  Lesson: look at things from both sides...live with class.

Parents have rose colored glasses...

Seven of the last eight turnovers were made by the same athlete and she gets subbed out.  Their parent immediately becomes irrate because their child didn't do a single thing wrong.  The parent of the kid that got off the bench always knew with time that dumb coach would see the star potential in their child.  Lesson: Parents never see things for what they really are because they have a crazy kind of love...no matter what, their child is a superstar

There is always a boss...

Officials are the boss of every sporting event...be mean to them and watch them show you how much power they have.  Officials also have a gift of matching parent to player.  I have seen plenty of games thrown by officials because of unruly parents. Lesson: Going crazy in front of the boss, even if you disagree, is never beneficial!

Some people are just mean...

I was in elementary school the last time I remember crying because of something the parents were saying about my mom.  I remember one of the moms telling the man "you know that's her daughter" he looked at me and said "I don't care who hears me!" Lesson: Some people in the world are just mean, you can't let them hurt your feelings because that's all they really want.

Fans are crazy...

Ever heard the term "fanatic?" It's defined as someone filled with zeal.  Doesn't sound bad, right?  Let the synonyms help you...zealot, militant, extremists.  Picture that word a little different now, don't you? Fan is short for fanatic...they are the crazy, in your face, I LIVE for this sport and through my child types.  You win, they love you.  You lose, they hate you.  Tournament days, they may go both ways.  Where's the lesson, you ask?  Pick your friends wisely, those that are fanatical usually aren't loyal.

Honesty is the best policy...

When you hear a coach say "I'm going to keep doing it until I get caught" you take notice.  My mom always told us "cheaters never prosper" and that's the truth!  I've seen lots of cheaters and I like to add this...if you can't even cheat and win maybe you ought to look at a different method. Lesson: Not all that sparkles is gold...in other words, make sure you trust the right people.

It takes a little more to be a champion...

Champion used to be a really popular brand.  My mom's basketball team had a shirt and saying that said "it takes a little more to be a champion" and it said everything about that team.  They were good athletes, but not amazing.  So why did they win? They would out work, out hustle and out heart any team they came up against.  Lesson: it takes a little more to be a champion.

It's a special place to be a coach's kid.  When they are a good coach, like my mom is, it's like being with someone famous in Texas gyms.  "That's your mom?  I remember when she went to the final four with that little team...she can out coach anybody"  There is a lot of pride in being a coach's kid and there is a lot of heartache.  Next week, my little boy becomes the coach's kid for the first time.  I know there will be hurt feelings, but I hope he also gets that feeling of pride when he sees his mom coach...or at least his Mimi because there is no better coach in all of Texas!

I'm not so sure about this...

A few weeks ago I read a blog entry that was written by a pastor and has been passed around on Facebook, mostly with comments like "Finally the truth" or "So true."  I read the post.  I didn't like it.  I thought it was false and I moved on.  But it has been stuck in my head and in my heart ever since.  

Here's the post so you can read it for yourself:  http://natepyle.com/confronting-the-lie-god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle/
It's called "Confronting the lie" but I do believe he replaced what he believed to be a lie with an even bigger one.  To summarize, this guy has had a terrible series of events in his life. He is vague about most of them other than his wife's pregnancy that needed to be terminated.  In other words, his life was at a low point.  And this is what he says after listing a series of "Why, God?" questions... 

"Not only am I okay asking those questions, but I think there is something holy and sacred in being courageous enough to ask them.  Don’t be fooled, those questions are only to be asked by the courageous."

He then goes on a mini, angry tirade about people using useless sayings and follows it up with this:

"It is more courageous to ask the hard questions of God and wait for him to answer than it is to find hope on the side of coffee mug.  Asking those questions requires courage because, in the end, it is very likely they will not be answered."

OK, first let me say that if I attended this church, I wouldn't go back.  Second, I believe this is dangerous advice.  Third, have you ever heard of a little guy named Job?  He got a whole book in the Bible, so I'd call him a legit guy.  Here is what God says about him when the devil is looking for someone to tempt, "Have you considered My servant Job?  No one else on earth is like him, a man of perfect integrity, who fears God and turns away from evil."  Then the devil went on to destroy Job's life.  He destroyed Job's wealth, family, friends, health...basically everything Job had except his life was taken from him.  In the middle of it all, Job's wife says "Why don't you curse God and die?"  Encouraging advice, right?  But Job doesn't curse God and he doesn't die and God remains pleased with Job until this happens....Job and his friends question God, but Job 38:1 says that God answered JOB, and the answer, my friends, is scary "“Who is this that obscures my planwith words without knowledge?Brace yourself like a man,I will question you,and you shall answer me.“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?Tell me, if you understand.Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know.Who stretched a measuring line across it?On what were its footings set,or who laid its cornerstone—while the morning stars sang togetherand all the angels shouted for joy?"

God continues for 4 chapters, questioning Job.  In chapter 42, Job says "I know that You can do anything and no plan of Yours can be thwarted.  You asked "Who is this who conceals My Counsel with ignorance?" Surely I spoke about things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.  You said, "Listen now, and I will speak.  When I question you, you will inform Me."  I had heard rumors about You, but now my eyes have seen You.  Therefore I take back my words and repent in dust and ashes."

Job, a man God said was special, couldn't question God.  Why then would it be acceptable for us, the non-special, to question God.  To ask "Why?" I have to tell you, that is a scary question and I don't want God to question me.  You may read this and think I am too young to understand what this man is going through.  Maybe.  But I know this: I never want God to say to me "Brace yourself like a man and I will question you." 

Here's the part I think people get confused on...God is the ultimate parent.  He's not "Dad of the month" or "Dad of the year," He's Dad of the Universe, people!!!  And just like we, as parents, don't run around making bad things happen to our kids to see if they will still love us, God doesn't make bad things happen to us to see if we will still love Him.  Will bad things happen? YES.  Will God know they are happening before they even do? YES.  Will those bad things still hurt even if we are Christians? ABSOLUTELY!  Lies hurt. Losing your dreams hurts.  Death hurts.  Even when you believe in God, bad things hurt.  But if Jesus could know he was about to be crucified and not say "WHY ME?" Then who are we to ask?  

There are days, weeks, months and sometimes years that are hard times in our lives.  I have lived them and I know I will live more of them, but I don't want to ask "Why?" because I can't stand the questions in return.  If you can, ask away, but read Job 38-41 to get a taste of what you're looking forward to and you just may reconsider.  Instead I go back to this:

Psalm 23:4

"Even when I go through the darkest valley,

I fear no danger,

for You are with me."

That answer is better than any question I can come up with.  Wherever I go, God goes with me and that I cannot question.

Sorry I can't get that crazy highlighting to go away!!

To My Son's Father

My son's first father

You were there before my son was even a thought.  You selected the day he was created and the day he was born.  You see his every thought before he even knows he has them.  You carefully selected every piece and part of him and lovingly crafted the beautiful, perfect little boy that I call my own.  You made him smart, kind, loving, justice minded and incredibly stubborn.  You gave him determination that most adults don't have and it has served him well.  You have healed him when no one believed he could survive and comforted him when no one on earth could.  You created my son and gave him to me and I am thankful always to you, his Heavenly Father, who has never left his side.

My son's second father

You watched my son grow for 9 months, you watched him come into this world and 1 short day later you walked out on him.  You have never truly met him, but you have affected his life in so many ways.  You make him feel wrong and not normal.  You make him feel unloveable.  You make him wonder what he could do different for you to want him.  Your abandonment makes my son worry about things no child should even think of.  The last you heard about him was from a doctor telling you he would probably die without your help, you refused.  Do you know if he is alive or do you even care?  There have been days that I hated you so much I wished you were dead.  But I am grateful to you, his biological father, because your selfishness meant I never had to share my son or worry about the influence you would have on his life.  Your absence is better than your presence.

My son's third father

You met a little boy at chick-fil-a and let him ask questions that I'm sure you weren't prepared for.  You show him that someone can love his mom and what it means to be a husband.  You give him a safe place to have "boy talks" and a sense of pride and normalcy.  You are the first person my son could call dad and have embraced that job fully.  I'm not sure who floats higher when a stranger asks about your son, him or you. Do you know you make him feel complete?  You provide safety and stability and, as my sweet boy prays at dinner, "a full family."  You give him stories to tell because he loves to talk about "his dad" and family talks at school will no longer be embarrassing and awkward for him because you make him feel right.  You love him even on his bad days and are patient with him.  You try every day to be better with him and for him and I am so grateful to you, his step father, for being my son's dad.

Mixing Holidays

Since Cal was born I have never had to consider what we will do for the holiday seasons, we had traditions.  I would think about it, decide, notify my son, and that's just what we did.  I never had to consult another person.  This year things are different.  I'm trying to deal with it gracefully.  Being married is an amazing blessing that I enjoy more every day, but I don't like change and I like to do what I want, when I want, how I want...very mature, I know.

For Thanksgiving, Cal and I have done one of two things...gone camping or gone to Alabama.  We went to Alabama to visit my grandfather and his family, but my grandfather passed away last year.  I love to go camping in November and December.  Nature is amazing in the early winter and I love to watch it.

For Christmas, we have dinner at Luby's then Christmas Eve Service where Cal sings in the choir, but we are no longer at Abiding Word so he won't be singing.  Christmas morning we open gifts and mom makes waffles, but we don't live with mom anymore.

When I was growing up, we went to Shreveport to see my mom's family.  My dad always went along, although at the time he did not really love my mom's family and that made the trips generally uncomfortable.  Around the end of elementary school, my mom told my dad he didn't have to go anymore and in mom speak that meant "don't come" and Shreveport became a wonderful safe haven for me.  I loved to be with my grandmother, she gave the most amazing hugs.  Thanksgiving and Christmas was always with Granny and it was amazing, but she died 10 years ago.

So here we are in October 2013, trying to decide what to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas and well, I just feel like crossing my arms and stomping my foot and saying "I'm going to Shreveport," but what I want is not there.  I could go to Alabama, but who I go to visit is gone.  I could go camping, but my husband would have to stay home.  Donnie has his own family and traditions and I am sure his family would prefer that I not completely wreck their family traditions.  I am not the best "in-law" and am completely aware of this.

So I am having to figure out new traditions and to start with, we are having my dad's family Thanksgiving at our house.  My dad's parents are in their 80's and don't need to try to cook and clean for a house full of people so they are coming here.  Christmas...well I want what I want when I want it....so that's for another day! :)

What do you do all day?

What do you do all day?  This question irritates me.  It's right up there with "Don't you get bored just sitting at home?"  At first, I answered these questions with the list of things I had done that day, none of which included "sitting around" but now I realize that's not what people want to hear so I normally don't bother with much of an answer.  What amazes me is that most of these questions come from women, from mothers.  We have come to a time in our society when being a homemaker is a boring or less important position than a working mother.  I believe people in my generation were raised to believe that staying home wasn't equal.  The push for equality in the workplace led to inequality at home.  I continue to be amazed that it is men who have the most respect for women staying home and are more likely to say I wish my wife would/could do that.  
I am a homemaker because I want to be, not because my husband makes me or because I can't find a job.  I want to pick my son up from school and be able to love him.  When I was working, I was so tired from loving other people's children that I had a hard time loving my own.  I want to be able to make dinner and lunches for my family.  There are some people who can work and do those things happily and successfully, I'm not one of those people.  I want to be fully present for my family and to be about my family.  I want to build a home and life and a place where my son, even when he is older, knows is a safe haven.  I want a home not a house and because of that I choose to be a homemaker.  I do not look down on people for choosing to work and we, especially as women, should not look down on those that choose to stay out of the workforce.  Each has their place and time.  
I do not particularly care for the term "stay at home mom" mainly because to most people it means moms who "sit around."  Homemaker used to be an occupation.  The dictionary defines a homemaker as "a wife who does work (such as sewing, cleaning, or cooking) at home and usually does not have another job outside the home; one who manages a household especially as a wife and mother" Yep, that's me.  That's what I want to be and do.  So, do I work?  Yes, I am a homemaker.

The Great Flower Bed Redo

We have this flower bed in the front yard.  When we moved in it looked like this...

Then we cut down some trees (that were dead) and it looked like this...

Then I did a little piddling here and there and it looked like this...

Well...I hate ginger and spider plants.  Hate them...with a passion.  So yesterday I put the plants on Freecycle, dug them out and went to work on The Great Flower Bed Redo.  Today it looks like this... There are caladiums, fall asters, gardenia, summer snapdragon, zinnias and evolvulus.  I am still going to remove the canna looking plants in the back (I don't know what they really are) but it is a good start to a non jungle flower bed.

I also dug out rock after rock and rearranged the rock border...